Happy Birthday- Belated again

I remember when my mom brought him home from the hospital. I don’t remember realizing she was having a baby or that we were getting a new sibling. I was only five. My older brother was ten. The twins were two. Robert turned to Robbie turned to Bob and we all loved him, fought with him, cracked up laughing with him, and cried for him when he left us at the age of 28 – killed in a horrific accident.

Yesterday was his 50th birthday and I wonder how he would look now. Those steel gray eyes. That boisterous laugh. That propensity for teasing. His love for Christ. And most of all how he would have dealt with raising a beautiful daughter who wasn’t born yet when he left us. How he would have lived with a wife who developed early onset Alzheimer’s. How he would have been Uncle Bobby to my children still, not a wisp of their early childhood memories.

We would have thrown him a party he hated. We would have taken photos – he hated that too. We would have had hugs and funny stories and laughed til we cried again.

But for his birthday this year he has been reunited with our mom. He’s been hanging out with our dad and grandparents. He didn’t suffer when he died. He didn’t have to suffer with us the past five months since our mom went to join him. I bet they were sure glad to see each other. And knowing they are together in the presence of Jesus is the best birthday present.

Happy 50th birthday little brother.

©Belindabotzong2019

Eating Out Memorial

I saw an ad for a new pizza place today and my immediate, fleeting thought was that we would go try it out. Only we can’t.

Most Saturdays for the past few years involved going out to lunch somewhere with my mom. When we first started the routine of course we didn’t know it would be our routine. It was sporadic st first. She wasn’t one for anything fancy to eat. Often it was a cafe she’d worked at eons ago or something simple like Red Robin. She wasn’t adventurous in eating and of course no food was as good as her own.

She’d get on kicks and we’d repeat the same place or same meal for weeks in a row before we moved on to the next great thing. For awhile it was artichoke dip. Always prawns or shrimp. Sometimes the roast beef open face plate. Then pizza. Then Thai. Then you never knew. She’d love it or despise it. She told us about a commercial for coconut lobster at a certain restaurant and we took her. They denied such a thing existed on their menu and she insisted — she saw the commercial a thousand times and coconut lobster was her destiny. We were at a loss and the waitress was so rude it added to the dismay of no coconut lobster! Much later we found it was at a different restaurant that we don’t have here. So funny!

When she was right there was no arguing the point!

A few months ago we took her out to a nice restaurant and she was so mad. She wanted to go to the other one down the street. She complained the whole time. She was rude. She was disgruntled. Halibut with crab Hollandaise. Too fancy. Not enough crab. Oh my gosh! I said it’s the last time we all go out together. It was.

When we were little we were quite poor. Going out to eat was unusual for us. The very few times we did were so exciting. There was a place called the Princess. My parents had gotten their disabled veterans benefits instated and suddenly a splurge.. we ate at the Princess. I was very young so not sure what we had but it was so exciting it didn’t matter.

Once we had to travel to a wedding. We got to have breakfast at a restaurant- hot chocolate! Sticks in my mind as a novelty at the time.

As we got older of course ordering pizza became a thing. Going to McDonald’s after church became a routine. Or driving to Bellingham to Dickinson’s family buffet was our most favorite adventure in eating out.

And now it’s a common everyday thing. We travel around the world eating all kinds of things my mom would hate and going out to dinner or lunch is an everyday occurrence. And now she is gone. Two months. And the two months before that we couldn’t go out but I brought her whatever she wanted. Fish and Chips from Bobs. Ribs. Pizza. Corn Dogs from Hal’s. Egg Rolls from Asian1. And finally Fresh rolls from Little Thailand. And she died. And I miss her.

©Belindabotzong2018

Get Over It

She was always waiting for the Lord to return to get us all out of this messy world.

As sick as she was this past week she never said she was planning to beat him to the punch and leave before he got back to take all of us.

Knowing that we are just temporary citizens on earth changes the perspective on loss and death. The sadness and grief and tears are not that she has passed on into eternity but the thought of being separated from her in this life.

To not have that one person who knew you from the moment you were born is the pain.

To not have her demands and expectations is numbing.

She would constantly tell me how she loved my hair, that I was boring because I didn’t live with bling and watch tv, that I was amazing because I’m so sweet (though I’m not).

She found joy in her flowers, shopping for her motifs, buying people things they never wanted or needed, donating to causes she couldn’t afford. She had a servants heart and she hated with a passion being the one who needed to be helped in any way.

She prided herself on being a homeowner, having her hair styled, and refusing to use her walker or the other medical devices.

She was a widow for 38 years– exactly half her life — and she devoted herself to working and raising grandchildren.

Grief is painful and difficult and raw. She hated that people might cry over her leaving. Don’t you dare cry over me, she would say. Don’t worry about it. You can fire yourself from taking care of me. You are not obligated in anyway. She said that! As if it were possible.

A month ago I told her that she was the best mom because she had devoted her life to us but it’s hard to provide that same devotion back because we all have jobs and families and obligations and selfishness. She had just broken her arm and we were leaving on vacation so she was in the care of the home health people. She was very upset by that but ended up really liking the ladies who took care of her. I called her each day from vacation and that was unusual because I hate talking on the phone. She hated that I hate talking (on or off the phone).

She asked me recently why I used to have more time to run around with her. She forgot I work full time and have a family it seems. I told her I’ve been working full time since 1999 and maybe she’s thinking of when the kids were little and I only worked part time. She did not believe me-/

Tears are therapeutic – a cleansing –but very annoying as your eyes swell and snot runs and your head pounds.

I am not crying for her. She is rejoicing in heaven. I cry for myself and the thought of no more scenics with her. We looked at barns and farms and mountains and that perfectly round tree she exclaimed at down by the river. Our times together centered more recently on scheduling doctor appointments and going through the motions of chronic illnesses. The scenics and lunches became part of our ritual.

She took on anything I became interested in. She thought it was funny that I recently became so creative. She started seeing flowers for my petals as paint project. She bought equipment for candle making. She watched for historical info in the paper for my novel. She was always interested in whatever we were doing.

I grieve because she loved hearing stories about my work and she loved my coworkers wherever my career has taken me. When we lived in Arizona she wouldn’t come visit but she turned her whole living room decor into a desert theme/ cactus lamps and all!

When I was a child I can’t remember sitting on her lap or hugs and kisses. I don’t remember “I love you” being tossed about. Maybe she was too busy with five kids. But the last few years she always wanted hugs (I know, right?? All those hugs she despised from everyone else I think she secretly loved) and kisses goodbye. Recently as we went through a deep mental health crisis with my son she begged to have me sit in her lap so she could hold me and rock me in her chair. That wasn’t possible but I appreciated the idea. And she constantly said I love you.

I am not sad that she is in heaven. I am sad that it’s all over, relieved she suffers no more, and thankful for such a devoted mom. So my tears flow and my heart breaks and she would say “get over it. I’m fine.”

Goodbye

And now it’s my turn to grieve.

My feisty and tough, sassy and kind, determined and hard-headed, funny, sarcastic, and precious mom has passed into the arms of Jesus.

No more pain. No more suffering. No more loss. She is with my little brother, my dad and all those who went before her.

She was tough. She had a tender heart for babies and funny cat videos and jokes.

She helped raise my children and so many others. She thought I was amazing.

She was strong and strong willed.

She peeled and diced the most potatoes of any person and fried up the biggest pan for anyone and everyone.

She was an unsurpassed baker and loved feeding people. She hated her new kitchen appliances with all their buttons and beeps. She used her dishwasher as a file cabinet.

She hated that I used grocery home delivery for her. She was fiercely independent but bound by her dependence on me as she struggled with health issues. I failed to be as gracious as her demands in time and energy conflicted with my time and energy.

She loved tv and evangelists and shows like The Voice. So many phone calls started with “Hey Meliss, are you watching….” even though we told her repeatedly we rarely watch tv.

She was fiercely loving to me and cheered me on in everything I accomplished. Stubborn and determined. Once she set her mind on something she would not let it rest until it got done. She wanted a shofar of all things so made me book a trip to Israel. She hated traveling but wanted me and Savannah to go no matter what and bring her back a shofar. We leave next week for a holy land tour and will bring back her shofar.

She loved her flowers and her yard could never have enough. Just last week adding succulents to a birdbath she was determined was a planter.

She was particular about grocery brands and shopped her thousand catalogs of decor and weird objects for hours on end. She loved her bling, her earrings, her coordinated outfits. Her collections of chickens and all manner of “motifs”.

She could never get enough time with me. She loved our “scenics” — driving all around Skagit County again and again. Especially when I took her in her beloved “Buttercup” – the yellow smart car with eyelashes and a new vanity plate “BTTRKUP”. She loved that people laughed and waved and stopped to ask questions about her car when we would be at the gas station or even driving around town and people will wave us down to ask about gas mileage.

The river was hers. The view of the mountains from her living room brought her great joy. She loved the moon and would always call to see if we could see it too.

She would cuss like a sailor but hated nasty jokes. She could be crude and rude or quivering chin tender hearted.

She worked hard all her life and hated that she had to retire. She gave us a strong work ethic then complained that we work too much! She loved Sponge Bob Square Pants because he taught people to be diligent! Last week she couldn’t figure out why I don’t have more free time. She is just sure that as “the boss” I should come and go as I please and spend more time with her. I tried to explain that “the boss” means you work more, not less!

Saturday afternoons were our usual day together unless I had to take her to an appointment during the week, which was becoming more common as her health failed. She loved the backroads or just sitting down by the river at the steelhead club eating a burger.

She thought I was perfect but I am not. I sat with her Monday night and held her hand, put lip balm on her, listened to her talk about a chaplain at the hospital named Mary who had spent two hours with her that day listening to her life story. She wanted me to lay in the bed with her but I did not.

Last night I laid on the floor with her holding her hand and saying I’m sorry — but she was gone. I had just left her in a hurry last night after bringing her home from the hospital, filling new prescriptions while she sat in the car. I was hungry and grumpy. I sorted her meds and got her some food — I told her I was going to get her on a new kick -/ eating fresh rolls from Little Thailand. She wanted to start eating healthy stuff because the nutritionist at the hospital convinced her to try some recipes. I did a couple chores and told her I had to hurry so I could get back to Bellingham for my workout. I didn’t give her the usual kiss and “love you” as I hurried off and told her to “stay upright” for real– always my parting words after so many falls. I called her right after my workout to tell her to make sure she put on her “fallen and can’t get up” button. And to see if she ate her fresh rolls. She didn’t answer. I went home and called twice more. I called my aunt who went to check on her and found her collapsed on the floor. Gone. She would be so mad that we called 911. She would be so mad that we saw her laying there. She was prideful about that but we all were there and we held her hand and we cried and screamed. Loss. Guilt. Waves of nausea. Tears. Hugs. Numbness. Surreal fuzzy distorted conversations. People coming and going. Police. Firemen. Chaplain. Funeral home people. The cart. The sheet. The final goodbye. Gut wrenching. Nauseating. Overwhelming. Yet peace and comfort knowing that she believed in Jesus as God’s son and she was wrapped in his love and forgiveness. My first best friend, my mother, my mom, and forever known as Gooie.

Five kids. Ten grandkids.

Tom Belinda Anita Angela and Bob

Savannah, Mark, Tanner, Carissa, Nicki, Shania, Vanity, Matthew, Briann, and Talia.

Rest In Peace.

Upright in heaven. No more waddling. Reunited with Bob and dad. 💕💕

©Belindabotzong2018

Evoking Memories – Skagit Fishing

That certain chill in the air before sunrise

That smell that wafts on the breeze of early morning in mid-summer

Waking up at 4a.m. with that peculiar feeling, she unwinds from the sheets and slips on layers of warm clothes

That sound and smell of coffee percolating downstairs where a bowl of breakfast awaits

“Do you want dry cereal or wet” he asks and she misunderstands thinking cereal or mush. He’s thinking no milk or milk. She gets dry… too shy to correct him she eats the Cheerios sans milk.

She jumps out of the car at grandma’s house while her dad waits impatiently. She digs in the moist dirt to get a dozen night crawlers from the galvanized worm-filled tub.

She wipes her dirty hands on the dewy grass then on her jeans. Her cousin from across the street jumps in the back seat just as dad takes off

The mighty Skagit River is running high and green. They pull in to the steelhead club and she and cousin stand aside popping snowberries as her dad maneuvers backward down the muddy boat launch.

The fog hangs low over the early morning river and a big splash catches their attention as a silvery scaled salmon does his morning wake up routine

That moist heavy morning air fills their senses. They jump aboard and the two kids row in a push out into the current. Dad starts the engine and the smell of four stroke fuel fills her nostrils with that unique fragrance and her tummy pours forth the Cheerios. “ You chummin’” he asks?

They make their way upriver to dead mans slough. They load hooks with bait and cast the lines in to the water. Immediately dad gets a bite. The reel zips and the pole bends to near breaking as he pulls back the line and sets the three pronged hook into the jowls of a beautiful humpy. Dad hollers at the six year old boy and girl cousins to hold the oars steady to keep the boat from entering a swirling current wanting to pull them all to the tree-lined bank.

The fog lifts slowly as the sun rises over the shadow of Sauk mountain to reveal a cerulean sky. The kids struggle to keep the oars steady as dad reels in his catch. He brings the net under in a quick scoop. The slippery slimy silver-skinned beauty dances and flops around the boat bottom and the girl squeals as it lands in her feet. Dad takes out the hooked club and bounces it on the back of the fishes head until the struggle is no more. Just then the girl sees her pole dip and she jumps up quickly to set her worm covered hook, reels it in and gets a look at the creepy bullhead trophy. She tries to pull the hook from his lip but his spiny back cuts her tiny fingers.

Dad gives her some pliers and tells her to pull the hook with those but she struggles until he impatiently takes her line and cuts riggin’ and fish loose. He tells her to put on a fresh hook and bait as she tosses the prehistoric looking beast back in the water with a shiver.

She reaches over the edge of the boat to rinse her hands. Her life jacket makes free moving difficult.

They recast their lines and dig in to lunch while dad guts his catch with a quick slit to the belly and removes a skein of pink eggs, tossing the rest of the guts back into the river.

The children bite into their wonder bread bologna sandwiches as dad drops the anchor.

Later when the sun is nearly overhead dad starts the engine and gives the children a thrilling fast drive downriver to head home.

Tired and sun-drenched they have removed most layers and are in T-shirt’s and blue jeans. They stay in the boat while dad goes to get the truck and trailer. They ride in the boat covering the few blocks to home with the summer breeze ruffling their hair.

Ten years later the little girl hears the truck start up in that cool fall pre-dawn air. She rolls over for a few more hours of sleep before school while her dad heads down to another routine day of fishing the Skagit. He’s caught so many fish in this river over his 41 years. He launches alone from the steelhead club and winds his way up river, up as far as his childhood home of Hamilton. At some point he stood to pull in a big one. October promised King Salmon and he quickly got one on the line. He stood quickly to set the hook but hadn’t set anchor. He stumbled over the rope as he held the pole with all his might. This was a big ‘un. The boat started drifting along behind the monster pulling on the line. He stumbled again over the children’s life jackets and lost his balance. He tried desperately to hold the line but it snapped and he toppled out of the boat, hitting his head on the engine on the way into the deadly currents. He landed unconscious and was quickly sunk, unbreathing momentarily. He revived and quickly realized he was in trouble. He couldn’t swim and he never wore a life jacket. He struggled but was unable to reach the boat which was floating toward deadmans island. He lost the battle and succumbed to the glorious and beloved river.

Hours later an Indian man found the boat abandoned on shore and called the sheriff. Calls were made to the wife who in turn called the children at school. A vigil for the searchers lead to disappointment day after day.

21 days later a knock on the door at 337 Central Street. The little girl, now a teenager and senior in high school opened the door to find a man holding a soggy wallet. The mother comes to the door and endless days of sobbing commences. Guttural screams, moans and tears flow freely.

The children all huddle together in the little girls bed. A funeral. Thanksgiving. Little girl turns 17. All in a daze. A line in her story.

©Belindabotzong2018

Evoking Memories—Skagit Fields

The pre-dawn coolness of summer breezes evokes memories of long ago. Waiting along the gravel shoulder of Minkler Road for the berry or cucumber bus to pick us up for another day under the hot blazing sun picking strawberries or buckets full of perfect cukes. Bicycles well-hidden in the field at the corner of Fruitdale Road. The musty, rattling bus ride to the far fetched fields. The sight of Mr. Garcia with his casted arm assigning rows to each kid, mine the opposite end of the same row as my brother. The wet feeling of dew covered berry leaves and the vivid smell of damp earth in the sunrise. Brown paper bag lunches of bologna sandwiches and Fritos corn chips and tiny cone shaped cups of water drained from the orange water jug spout. The mid day heat beating down as we crawled along row after row filling our yellow flats with ripened (or even over-ripened) berries just to get another filled. Or the back breaking walk down the row of prickly cucumber vines throwing the prickly cukes quickly into another white five-gallon bucket, the steel wire handle clanking over and over as we made our way down the row. Or the damp drizzly days with mud caked fingers stiffened like the knees of your jeans. Slugs hidden beneath the berry leaves feasting on your work.

The chatter of the migrant workers Spanish and the Mexican boys who made a point of carrying our buckets for us because we were “muchacha Bonita.” The radios playing the latest hits — Peter Frampton or Three Dig Night, or Rolling Stones. The news that Elvis died pouring a blanket of sorrow as some sat upon their cuke buckets in mourning.

The punch cards to keep track of our progress stained with dirty sticky fingerprints. The outhouse and another sip of cool water.

Sherry Black racing down the row at a furious pace as Berry fights erupted when the boys got bored or too sassy. The nervous feeling of getting your row checked and getting sent down to repeat the same row because your tired little body wasn’t paying attention. Watching cars go down the nearby highway and counting the white ones to pass the time. The Geertsma boys carrying buckets because they were kind enough to realize your eight year old body couldn’t handle the task.

The swoop and rise of the crop duster covering nearby fields with their pungent load of pesticides or fertilizers.

The long awaited whistle to announce the end of picking for the day brings relief to my weary, dirt covered berry stained and sweaty body and I head quickly to the bus to get a front seat so I don’t get sick on the way home.

Soaking our hands in bleach water to remove the deeply set stains and cleaning our dirt filled fingernails. Taking out our dirty pony tails and watching the crud float around us in the bathtub.

Memories of my childhood in the Skagit Valley.

©Belindabotzong2018