Tag: life’s journey

Deep Thoughts

Are you looking for the last puzzle piece? You know when it’s missing throughout the building of a jigsaw puzzle. Some pieces seem to fit. But not really quite right.

My cousin posted on Facebook yesterday a deep thought…

Today I’m closely examining the delicate balance between desiring self-improvement and experiencing acceptance of myself.
If I feel the need to be a better person, can I still accept myself the way I am?
If I achieve complete self acceptance, will I still feel the need to be better?

I responded with…

Are you looking for peace? Grace? Forgiveness? Love? Acceptance? You. I. Everyone.  is created with a hole in your life and heart that is in the shape of God. And only he fits into that hole.

Are you looking for the last puzzle piece? You know when it’s missing throughout the building of a jigsaw puzzle. Some pieces seem to fit. But not really quite right.

Seeking. Searching. It’s our life purpose. Find the piece that fits perfectly and surrender the striving for perfection or acceptance .. it’s all been done. Simple acceptance. No action but faith. No price to pay. Redeemed. Blessed. Forgiven. Clean. Balanced. Healed. Washed. 

❤️

Every Day is Mother’s Day

I was thinking of writing a profound blog post today but I think I’ll leave it at this.

My mom was my first best friend. I don’t care much for holidays where guilt induced giving of cards and flowers might occur— and I believe every day is Mother’s Day for me –and true love is when someone goes to the grocery store for me! But since today is my first Mother’s Day without my children here with me and with my mom in heaven, I will just say it’s a little different than usual and bittersweet.

My daughter has been away at Mother’s Day more times than not – travels to Italy, school calendars and adventures that bring her joy are far more important to me than having her here on a specific day. Every Day is Mother’s Day when Nicki is my joyful daughter.

When my son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder many years ago, we focused on getting him home and well by Mother’s Day – and he made it. Several times it’s been so. This year the focus is just on getting him adjusted and doesn’t matter it’s Mother’s Day- I will celebrate any day he is stable and will wait for him to come home to make me laugh like no other. Every day is Mother’s Day when Mark is my brilliant, hilarious, and nutty son.

As for my own mother, my husband and I will go to the cemetery and place flowers on my moms grave today. We will go on a scenic drive through the Skagit Valley and go out to lunch .. that is what my mom and I would have done.

Every day is Mother’s Day for me. I never knew true love until I looked into the newborn eyes of my babies. It is profoundly beautiful and humbling to know that God delights in me more than I delight in my children.

©Belindabotzong2019

Closure

I had a short day at work and took the scenic route to have lunch with myself. Pouring rain made the landscape of azaleas blooming that much brighter. It was Closure Day. I needed some calm.

I headed to Sedro-Woolley and stopped for coffee at the Woolley Market before heading to the bank to get cashiers checks. The bank ladies reminisced about my mom. “Sweet”. “Sassy”. “Funny”. I told them how much she had loved them. I always thought it was silly that she loved the bank ladies but they really are all so nice.

Say what you will about Wells Fargo as a corporation, each person I’ve dealt with in their entire system has been truly kind and compassionate with maybe one or two minor exceptions.

Next stop was The Flower Shop where I selected a big pink bouquet.

I showed the flower lady my art – the rendered photo of her shop that I have available in my Etsy store. https://etsy.me/2GibjAc. She loved it!

I drove out to the cemetery and told her I had finished everything. I had followed all the rules and kept all the records.

We closed THE ESTATE. Fitting it would be on National Siblings Day. I met with my siblings at our brother’s business and signed our releases and collected our Residual.

I drove to the law office and dropped off the final paperwork and went on the ultimate scenic, one my mom and I had done umpteen times.. through the tulip fields all over West Mt Vernon. I drove past my first full time job – Food Services Inc. it looks the same. My mom loved it when I worked there 35 years ago. She baked and spoiled the warehouse guys and truck drivers and so did I.

I tiptoed through the tulips .. the mud and muck .. so much stunning beauty. I stopped a million times. I talked to the cows. I declared to the Lord how absolutely beautiful his creations are. Oh my gosh he is the most amazing artist!

I stopped at the nursery and came so close to buying a camelia! That was my moms aunts name – one no one had ever met because she died at the mental hospital in the 1930s – of tuberculosis- where she was housed for having epilepsy. My mom got epilepsy in the past decade and I will definitely get a camelia in the near future. The petals will make the most amazing paint strokes!

I finished up with a stop at Tulip Town where they had Locals Night! Hadn’t been there in many years so this was a lovely surprise! Art and flowers galore!

I headed home and went out to dinner with my ever patient husband to recap my day. I am truly blessed and thankful for a bit of Closure.

©Belindabotzong2019

Happy Birthday- Belated again

I remember when my mom brought him home from the hospital. I don’t remember realizing she was having a baby or that we were getting a new sibling. I was only five. My older brother was ten. The twins were two. Robert turned to Robbie turned to Bob and we all loved him, fought with him, cracked up laughing with him, and cried for him when he left us at the age of 28 – killed in a horrific accident.

Yesterday was his 50th birthday and I wonder how he would look now. Those steel gray eyes. That boisterous laugh. That propensity for teasing. His love for Christ. And most of all how he would have dealt with raising a beautiful daughter who wasn’t born yet when he left us. How he would have lived with a wife who developed early onset Alzheimer’s. How he would have been Uncle Bobby to my children still, not a wisp of their early childhood memories.

We would have thrown him a party he hated. We would have taken photos – he hated that too. We would have had hugs and funny stories and laughed til we cried again.

But for his birthday this year he has been reunited with our mom. He’s been hanging out with our dad and grandparents. He didn’t suffer when he died. He didn’t have to suffer with us the past five months since our mom went to join him. I bet they were sure glad to see each other. And knowing they are together in the presence of Jesus is the best birthday present.

Happy 50th birthday little brother.

©Belindabotzong2019

Headstone

What do you do the day you pick out your mom’s headstone? She didn’t want to do that part when we went to the funeral home a few years ago to make her arrangements. She said I would have to figure that out. At the time you’re talking about a thing that can’t be comprehended. When you take your mom to the funeral home in the first place it’s a surreal idea. We went to lunch. Shopped. Went on a scenic. Selected a casket. That was strangely matter-of-fact. The pink one of course. And now that we have reached the headstone part I was wishing we had already done that. But who wants to see their name engraved on a slab of marble? It’s incomprehensible. We deny that we are that vulnerable to this life. To death. To eternity.

So today I took the day off work. I met my beautiful niece at the funeral home. We were assigned homework by the funeral director — he says go out to the cemetery and see what you like or don’t like. We declined.

We know pink stone might appeal to her but somehow it didn’t look right. They use inks on those. We looked through catalogs. Talked about options. Sizes. Shapes. Colors. Embellishments. We made jokes. We didn’t cry. We talked about Bling. Rhinestone? Bedazzling! We looked through stock photos and how to incorporate the shofar.

We picked fonts and scripts. We picked a butterfly, a rooster and hen, and an eagle. We picked black granite filled with sparkles. We chose an oval inside a rectangle for In Loving Memory Janice “Gooie” Brown March 6 1942 – October 16, 2018. And there will be a concrete base where the shofar can be placed.

We dropped off keys to the house for the new owner. I headed back home and so did she. I drove in the bright blue sky sunshine along roads edged with snow, Lake Samish a picture postcard.

I went to the Art Market to get some of my pieces to show at the Art Walk Friday. I went down to the bay and picked up rocks and shells and kelp and feathers. When I got too cold I went to my favorite cafe and had matcha and açaí bowl. I’ll head to hobby lobby and try to get everything for the art show. I’ll go home and prepare my art for showing.

I’ll go out to dinner with my husband and work on my Etsy store.

That’s what you do when your mom dies and you have to keep on living – without her. And you have to breathe and love and live and experience it all.

©Belindabotzong2019

Closure

One step closer to closure. The house is sold and today escrow closed. She would have been so happy to know a single young guy is moving in, a man who works at the refinery, so likely a hard-working guy with dreams for this house. Does he know how proud she was to be a homeowner?

That a widow of over 35 years, left with five children to raise, could successfully own a home was a source of great accomplishment for her.

She would be proud that she left no debt behind besides what she owed on that house. This, too, was a huge accomplishment, given the years of overwhelming sacrifice, credit card debt, and struggles to stay afloat.

She would be proud that my sisters and I have made it through this part of The Estate without losing our way with each other. The civility, support, and love that we have shared through this four month part of the journey is a miracle.

She would be very happy to know that the “residual” is enough to allow us to do something special for our families. It isn’t life-changing money, but it will be a blessing to the four of us, though we would all rather have our mom.

It seems ironic that we closed on Valentines Day. This would have been the day when she would have gotten corny cards, marshmallow filled heart candies, and maybe flowers. She always loved the idea of the giant heart-shaped box. One year she bought my kids those chocolate lips that made her laugh. Instead, this year, we mourn our loss and still struggle with the reality of it all.

She would be mad about all the snow, the branches of her giant pine trees touching the ground. It’s been a long, hard week getting everything done and trying to make it to work, meeting the deadlines, getting paperwork to the right place, getting delayed by the storms.

So, blessings on the guy who has taken on a new project. Blessings on my sisters for powering through one of the most trying experiences of our lives. Blessings on Casa Brothers, the amazing guys who helped with The Estate Sale, listing and selling and closing. It has been miraculous all around. Still another month before the estate closes officially. I miss my mom. She would be proud.


Copyright 2019 – Belinda Botzong

Junk Mail

Her mail comes to my house now

I thought that would mean I get the bills

Apparently the junk mail is included

She didn’t think it was junk mail though. She loved her catalogs.

When I went to see her – or anyone who came through the door, the first task before entering the house was checking the mail.

The mailbox is across the street so she was afraid to go in case she had a seizure or fell. God forbid she take her walker.

On my way in with the pile I often just stopped at the recycling bin and tossed her junk mail in to keep her from spending too much on the strawberry fairies (for me because I have a strawberry theme), the colorful skirts with watercolor pencils (for my daughter the artist) or for any number of household amazing items you can’t possibly imagine.

Sometimes she placed orders on the phone then made one of the grandkids go get money orders to pay for it so I wouldn’t know.

Only I did.

Sometimes she said “go on that button pushing thing and order these,” meaning go online. Whoever got the shotgun shaped plungers for their toilets, I’m sorry.

Then all the requests for donations. Oh my goodness. She would put the requests for money to Israel, starving children, paralyzed veterans and homeless. I would tell her she is going to be starving and homeless if she sent money to all those people.

God sees her heart. He knows she is more generous than what he has blessed her with. She always told him (me, everyone) she just needed more money. There’s so much to buy! I just wanna be rich.

They say money can’t buy happiness but I’m pretty sure she would have been happy being rich and buying everything in those catalogs and giving thousands to those charities.

I gave up telling her to stop buying junk for us. It made her happy. I paid her bills. It’s only money. Every now and then I let her donate.

So the junk mail has been trickling in over the past three months. Then yesterday ..

Oh my. So hard to resist those free shipping offers. The sales. The abundance.

Recycled.

©Belindabotzong2019 g

Three Months Later

Three months and nine days have passed by like a vapor. I only cry in unexpected moments now. I still almost call her, which maybe she would like to know since she said I never call her. But I did.

The house has sold and is moving through the closing process. I went to get a few plants and a chair from her house last Friday and decided I don’t want to go back again. She’s not there. When I come in the door my hands are empty. Before they were full of groceries or errands and I always had to pee after driving down to see her. And all the time I’m in the bathroom she’d be chatting away. And then first thing – “fix my hair” would be her first request. But not this time. No TV blaring. No chatter. No hairbrush and VO5. Just silent echoes.

I dropped off one of her yard ornaments for a lady who had done some yard work last summer. She had also sat with my mom and did her dishes when I was out of town and needed someone to be there with her broken arm. This lady I’ve never met asked for a memento so I gave her a rooster. She put it in her “Momorial” garden – the place she made to honor her mom and now mine. That blesses my heart immensely. Praise God.

Praise God for a buyer. Praise God I know she’s not hurting anymore. Praise God for giving me a mom who loved me so much. And that makes me cry.

©Belindabotzong2019

Rainy Day Happiness

It’s what most would describe as a dreary, drizzly, cold northwest day. I say praise and glory to God for such days. It soothes my soul like nothing else to see the bay blanketed in low-lying sky that makes the world monochrome shades of silver and gray.

To get off work early, drive along the waterfront, find a parking spot and run into the art market for a quick inventory check is happiness. To hear someone was just there asking to see me was pure joy. To sit in my favorite new cafe where everything on the menu is tasty AND healthy is blessed.

Planning to spend this dreary afternoon immersed in creating my next design, wearing my baggy shirt and glue pants – picking the next flower petal to place in just the right spot.. ah what blissfulness. To plan a weekend of reorganizing my space and installing new storage bins– oh my what a glorious time of year!

©Belindabotzong2018

On The Market

Multiple Listing Service realtor agreement signed

Cleaning ladies did their best

Sisters worked like Hercules to clear the last of the “stuff” – remnants of a life

The listing posted and a bittersweet flood washed over me. As usual I have two roles in this whole business. On one hand I am called The Estate Manager- what used to be The Executor (feels like executioner) of The Estate. I have decisions to make. I have things to do. I have papers to sign and records to keep. I have rules to follow and jobs to finish. I am, as The Estate Manager, detached from my other role. The grieving daughter, the heir of the residue, the former caretaker/caregiver, of my first best friend.

There is no way to describe certain feeling and emotions except that it rolls like a tide- sometimes gently ebbing and flowing, a little misty maybe. Sometimes crashing like a tidal wave drowning my soul in tears.

This process is at times extremely frustrating. The waiting. The expectations. The bitterness. The disagreements. The pressure. The loss. The duties. The longing.

Yesterday was a day of frustration. I had to go to the bank for a couple things. There was the deposit from the estate sale. It wouldn’t go through without some glitch because it’s an estate account and it hadn’t been used yet. Then there was the mortgage payment. Fiasco. When I got frustrated and said “I just want to pay the damn mortgage”, the little fella told me not to use such language. Hahahahaha. Does he have any idea the language of this world? Not to excuse myself but in the past month I’ve had angry patients call me everything but a white woman (as my mother would say) as they, in their own distress, used profanity to cope with their own issues.

After much back and forth with the account I finally got the mortgage paid and left with a handshake with my new friend Ruan.

And then the realtor announced the listing on Redfin. And it washed over me. And I pray that a sweet family, a brilliant entrepreneur, or a group of people who just need a place to live, see that and decide it’s the perfect place for them. They can’t see the Chilean fire tree in bloom that will knock their socks off in spring. They don’t see the labor that went into the recent updates or the prior updates. They don’t see the pride she had at being a homeowner as a widow with five children. But I hope they see their future as being blessed by their own proud purchase and that they will fill it with their own collections and memories and tastes in decor.

I sent the Casa Brothers a message. They are the Realtor/Estate Sale team who have done such a great job through this ordeal. I have an idea for a new reality show with them as the stars — :

Hi guys

I just thought up a new reality show and you guys could be the stars— like property brothers except with the estate sale twist.. Casa Brothers – and the drama part would be the family melt downs and such that happens as people grieve and move thru the process of parents dying.

The vision is to my end — “save the adult children” from all the STUFF accumulated by the person who passed.

I think this is an idea that would resonate with this generation as all the baby boomers start passing and leaving the minimalist generation upcoming with all this stuff to dispose of.

I’m calling Hollywood .. get your makeup team together and get ready to be a star!!!!

Have a beautiful day
©Belindabotzong2018