Tag: raising children

First Best Friends

My daughter left today

My very best friend

Moving forward

Life’s journey

My mom is in the hospital

My first best friend

Moving forward

Life’s journey

I cleaned out my daughters room

Childhood memories and piles of artwork mixed with more piles of seventeen years of school assignments

Some I tossed without a care. Others I kept with a tear. Everything from journals to teeth to her final pacifier. Coins from around the world. Paint brushes to hair brushes. Invitations, celebrations. Report cards and note cards. Whispers of a treasured childhood and exclamations if struggles and victories.

She packed her car and drove away with multiple hugs lingering in my arms and sweet kisses on my face. I see her in my rear view mirror as that precious toddler who cried at my leaving for work. Now I lose a tear at watching her drive away a newlywed with big dreams and plans.

I am her biggest fan and her first best friend. My daughter.

—

My mom is medically unstable and poorly responding to treatment, preparing for her journey home to Jesus. Sooner or later.

I imagine soon I will be going through her things and clearing out decades of memories and accumulated items that are profoundly important and those clearly meaningless in the scope of things.

Old bills, photos from a century past, documents and piles of memories and catalogs galore filled with trash and treasures for earthly pleasures.

And I see her in my rear view mirror holding my toddler in her arms and waving goodbye as I headed off to work and she stayed behind to help her grow up.

I will watch her go ahead of me as it should be and she will cheer me on from above as she always has. My biggest fan. My first best friend. My mom.

©Belindabotzong2018

Such is Life

Life – Family – Relationships

Changes

Theirs – Moving forward

His- Stagnant

Hers- Ending

Theirs – Exciting

Hers – Adventurous

His – Struggling

Hers – Suffering

A cycle of plans, dreams, hopes, hopelessness, loss, opportunity, future, past

Youth, newlyweds, bachelors, middle aged couple, elderly woman

Change

Changing jobs, changing locations, sticking it out, sticking together, changing

Loss

Loss of health, mobility, power, choices

Grief, loss, joyous celebrations

–

Time

Mundane days, restless nights

nights filled with passion

days filled with tears

moments filled with laughter

–

Cycles

One turns into the other

–

What’s next is set in motion

–

Decisions, disagreements, consensus, conflict, forgiveness, best wishes, farewells, condolences

Life

Hard, challenging, rich, beautiful

Death

Real, crushing, freeing, liberating

–

Victory

I Saw Myself

I saw myself today

30 years ago a newlywed

In that cabin across the river

Where I sat for hours watching the currents sweep over the boulders

Time spent with my lover in solitude and adventure with dreams of the future and contented pleasure.

I saw myself today

20 years ago a mom of two hilarious children

Camped out on the floor in that cabin across the river

A family on vacation, swimming hole, and fishing poles

A walk to the gingerbread factory, the hat shop and the toy store ending with a German pretzel and dinner at the Baren Haus.

I saw myself today

In the present

Reflected in a store window

Shopping and thinking and exploring

Years of child-raising replaced by caring for my elderly mom

Picking wildflowers and pine cones and creating new things in my head

A time of respite and renewal, observing the changes that have taken place and those things that never change.

I saw myself today

20 years from now

Walking hand in hand with the same man I always loved

Coming to a light pole in the sidewalk with hands temporarily parting

Quickly rejoined to explore that same town we always have, getting bratwurst, walking to Blackbird Island, and talking about the years gone by

I saw myself today

30 years in the future

My white hair askew as a caregiver pushes me, donned in a royal purple bathrobe in a wheelchair down the Main Street

Past the horse and buggy, past the shops and restaurants

A pile of flowers and ornamental grasses on my lap gleaned from the passing displays and gardens

A smile on my face in memory of days gone by.

©Belindabotzong2018

Symmetry

Symmetry of Life

I’ve been thinking a lot about the symmetry of life from beginning and ending.  When I had a baby 25 years ago there was a constant need for my attention; he relied on me to be present, available, devoted.  His very life depended on me and I loved him with the deepest, most stirring love.  I would have given him anything to make him happy, to keep him comfortable, and to sustain him.  There were diapers, feedings, schedules, hopes and dreams.  While there was always a question of whether and when to return to work, there was never a question about leaving him in the care of strangers.  I never wanted him to be raised by those who didn’t love him.  I never wanted to put him in a daycare so I sacrificed wealth or at least some financial comfort for the blessing and reward of being a mom.  Loading and unloading a stroller, car seats, potty chairs, feeding and bathing, keeping track of progress — these were my daily events and I loved it all.  

 The babies are grown and college years are done and they are independent, lovely and wonderful people.  I am free of all the challenges of raising them– free to write and research and enjoy my own time, but only for a moment after I start what I thought would be my new normal, I find myself with the same tasks, expectations and dependence.  Only now directed not toward raising children, rather at aiding my mother toward the end of her earthly journey, which looks remarkably similar to the beginning of the adventure of raising babies into adults, but in reverse.  Allowing the adult to become the child.  Her dependence on me was unexpected and unforeseen.  I must love her with the deepest, most stirring love.  I would give her anything to make her happy, keep her comfortable, and sustain her.  There are or will someday be diapers, feedings, schedules, doctors appointments, supplies, hopes and dreams.  There is the need to leave work often as there is no desire to leave her in the care of strangers who do not love her or have her best interests at heart.  I must sacrifice financial comfort for her comfort for the reward of being her daughter.

Loading and unloading wheelchairs, walkers, potty chairs; feeding, bathing, keeping track of medications and appointments.  These are my routine tasks and I will look back with bittersweet memories as she moves from mother to child and I will ask God for the strength to love her and bless her all the days of her life.  

 And the cycle is part of a long history– time infinite of mothers caring for children who care for mothers.  As my mother cared for my every need and for the needs of my own children, now I and my children will care for her until it is time for them to care for me.  God’s plan of infinite love, grace, forgiveness, blessing and provision. 
Copyright 2016