Tag: Creative writing

Rainy Day Happiness

It’s what most would describe as a dreary, drizzly, cold northwest day. I say praise and glory to God for such days. It soothes my soul like nothing else to see the bay blanketed in low-lying sky that makes the world monochrome shades of silver and gray.

To get off work early, drive along the waterfront, find a parking spot and run into the art market for a quick inventory check is happiness. To hear someone was just there asking to see me was pure joy. To sit in my favorite new cafe where everything on the menu is tasty AND healthy is blessed.

Planning to spend this dreary afternoon immersed in creating my next design, wearing my baggy shirt and glue pants – picking the next flower petal to place in just the right spot.. ah what blissfulness. To plan a weekend of reorganizing my space and installing new storage bins– oh my what a glorious time of year!

©Belindabotzong2018

Eating Out Memorial

I saw an ad for a new pizza place today and my immediate, fleeting thought was that we would go try it out. Only we can’t.

Most Saturdays for the past few years involved going out to lunch somewhere with my mom. When we first started the routine of course we didn’t know it would be our routine. It was sporadic st first. She wasn’t one for anything fancy to eat. Often it was a cafe she’d worked at eons ago or something simple like Red Robin. She wasn’t adventurous in eating and of course no food was as good as her own.

She’d get on kicks and we’d repeat the same place or same meal for weeks in a row before we moved on to the next great thing. For awhile it was artichoke dip. Always prawns or shrimp. Sometimes the roast beef open face plate. Then pizza. Then Thai. Then you never knew. She’d love it or despise it. She told us about a commercial for coconut lobster at a certain restaurant and we took her. They denied such a thing existed on their menu and she insisted — she saw the commercial a thousand times and coconut lobster was her destiny. We were at a loss and the waitress was so rude it added to the dismay of no coconut lobster! Much later we found it was at a different restaurant that we don’t have here. So funny!

When she was right there was no arguing the point!

A few months ago we took her out to a nice restaurant and she was so mad. She wanted to go to the other one down the street. She complained the whole time. She was rude. She was disgruntled. Halibut with crab Hollandaise. Too fancy. Not enough crab. Oh my gosh! I said it’s the last time we all go out together. It was.

When we were little we were quite poor. Going out to eat was unusual for us. The very few times we did were so exciting. There was a place called the Princess. My parents had gotten their disabled veterans benefits instated and suddenly a splurge.. we ate at the Princess. I was very young so not sure what we had but it was so exciting it didn’t matter.

Once we had to travel to a wedding. We got to have breakfast at a restaurant- hot chocolate! Sticks in my mind as a novelty at the time.

As we got older of course ordering pizza became a thing. Going to McDonald’s after church became a routine. Or driving to Bellingham to Dickinson’s family buffet was our most favorite adventure in eating out.

And now it’s a common everyday thing. We travel around the world eating all kinds of things my mom would hate and going out to dinner or lunch is an everyday occurrence. And now she is gone. Two months. And the two months before that we couldn’t go out but I brought her whatever she wanted. Fish and Chips from Bobs. Ribs. Pizza. Corn Dogs from Hal’s. Egg Rolls from Asian1. And finally Fresh rolls from Little Thailand. And she died. And I miss her.

©Belindabotzong2018

On The Market

Multiple Listing Service realtor agreement signed

Cleaning ladies did their best

Sisters worked like Hercules to clear the last of the “stuff” – remnants of a life

The listing posted and a bittersweet flood washed over me. As usual I have two roles in this whole business. On one hand I am called The Estate Manager- what used to be The Executor (feels like executioner) of The Estate. I have decisions to make. I have things to do. I have papers to sign and records to keep. I have rules to follow and jobs to finish. I am, as The Estate Manager, detached from my other role. The grieving daughter, the heir of the residue, the former caretaker/caregiver, of my first best friend.

There is no way to describe certain feeling and emotions except that it rolls like a tide- sometimes gently ebbing and flowing, a little misty maybe. Sometimes crashing like a tidal wave drowning my soul in tears.

This process is at times extremely frustrating. The waiting. The expectations. The bitterness. The disagreements. The pressure. The loss. The duties. The longing.

Yesterday was a day of frustration. I had to go to the bank for a couple things. There was the deposit from the estate sale. It wouldn’t go through without some glitch because it’s an estate account and it hadn’t been used yet. Then there was the mortgage payment. Fiasco. When I got frustrated and said “I just want to pay the damn mortgage”, the little fella told me not to use such language. Hahahahaha. Does he have any idea the language of this world? Not to excuse myself but in the past month I’ve had angry patients call me everything but a white woman (as my mother would say) as they, in their own distress, used profanity to cope with their own issues.

After much back and forth with the account I finally got the mortgage paid and left with a handshake with my new friend Ruan.

And then the realtor announced the listing on Redfin. And it washed over me. And I pray that a sweet family, a brilliant entrepreneur, or a group of people who just need a place to live, see that and decide it’s the perfect place for them. They can’t see the Chilean fire tree in bloom that will knock their socks off in spring. They don’t see the labor that went into the recent updates or the prior updates. They don’t see the pride she had at being a homeowner as a widow with five children. But I hope they see their future as being blessed by their own proud purchase and that they will fill it with their own collections and memories and tastes in decor.

I sent the Casa Brothers a message. They are the Realtor/Estate Sale team who have done such a great job through this ordeal. I have an idea for a new reality show with them as the stars — :

Hi guys

I just thought up a new reality show and you guys could be the stars— like property brothers except with the estate sale twist.. Casa Brothers – and the drama part would be the family melt downs and such that happens as people grieve and move thru the process of parents dying.

The vision is to my end — “save the adult children” from all the STUFF accumulated by the person who passed.

I think this is an idea that would resonate with this generation as all the baby boomers start passing and leaving the minimalist generation upcoming with all this stuff to dispose of.

I’m calling Hollywood .. get your makeup team together and get ready to be a star!!!!

Have a beautiful day
©Belindabotzong2018

The Estate Sale

It’s funny the things that run through your mind during times of high stress.

Yesterday was hard. It was hard getting the sale posted correctly to social media. Frustrating.

It was hard driving down in the early morning light and feeling so much mixed up in my head. My heart. It’s just hard.

It’s hard when the people flock in an hour early even though it specifically stated in my ad NO early birds. Please respect my family privacy. Sale starts at 9. And there they were at 8am asking if we were open yet. So rude.

It’s hard to watch people plunder even tho they were invited to plunder. It’s hard to see all the “stuff” she loved now with little red price tags. It’s hard to watch it get passed over! Isn’t that weird? This is her stuff. She loved Collections, Etc., catalogs. She loved thematic decor and it’s funny how she liked the goofy and silly more than the refined or expensive. Yet that’s what others like too. I chose the least ornate most special ones for me– and they are the ones she liked the least. Lenox. Made in Italy. They are exquisite glass. She preferred the ones that clucked and crowed and had silly expressions.

It’s hard when people come and go.

What made it easier were the people who stopped in who knew her. My best friend, Sharon, spent all day with us. She was amazing. She stayed busy all day arranging and rearranging and making suggestions and just being here. She’s also the one who showed up weeks ago with a cleaning bucket and rubber gloves and cleaned bathrooms and the kitchen and was just here and part of it all. It made me glad to have a long-time best friend of 34 years who has the gift of doing such things!

My other best friend lives far away but her dad, who will soon be 80 and who grew up next door to my mom stopped by and gave me a hug, said this really stinks, and he was so sweet. My mom used to paint his fingernails as a kid – at least that’s what she always said! Funny thing. I still vaguely remember when HIS mom, Mabel, died. She was my grandmas neighbor.

So we sold a lot of little things. A few big things and today we are back for the half price sale .. and I was thinking on the drive down about a few things.

The past few years my mom and I lived intertwined with her dependence on me being heavier and heavier. When you’re going through that it’s hard to remember some days that it’s only for a limited time. It’s like raising children – the days are long but the years are short. Some days it feels heavy and suffocating. Some days are hilarious and full of joy. About two months ago I surprised my mom by just showing up. The majority of visits the past year were scheduled with doctors appointments, errands, needs. I was feeling like I just wanted to be her kid and her to be my mom and not be needed, just wanted. So I showed up on a weekday afternoon and she was so surprised. And we didn’t go anywhere or do anything. We just sat and visited and watched something on tv and it was so refreshing I thought I might try that again someday. But then she fell again. And so that never happened again. A few months before I did a sleepover with her. She was so excited she made all my favorites. Fried chicken wings and mashed potatoes and corn.

All her stuff is being sold or donated today. People are getting deals. Making offers. Half price. It’s becoming more final. The green fuzzy monkey just sold! The curtains she just bought sold. The little pot, the mirrored tray, the picture frame. Sold.

It will all get donated to a place that cares for animals. This will be good for their auction– all the chickens and roosters and furniture.

I cry less each day but today is hard. I’m thankful for friends, cousins, and especially my sisters and my niece. And the Lord Jesus because he’s holding me together.

The Estate –

So “The Estate” cracks me up. According to The Will, “The residue” of The Estate is to be divided into four even parts. Isn’t that such a funny visual? He gets 1/4 the residue. I get 1/4 the residue. They each get 1/4 the residue. I used to tell her leaving me in charge of three crumbs and expecting us to split it four ways is a silly venture.

Anyway, The Estate now has its own bank account after my great adventure from the last post.

I called, as the Manager of The Estate, Wells Fargo last night. Lots of 800 numbers. Much punching of the buttons. Several redials. Spelling and reselling my name. Giving account numbers.

I started with the first number I found and that got me to a sweet girl named Natalie. Now that I cry less I am usually able to get through the sentence, “my mom passed away and I need help with The Estate” without melting down. Made it through that and Natalie, being maybe in her 20s, awkwardly asked, “Was it too soon?” Not sure what she meant but my reply, “I suppose when a mom dies it’s always too soon.” More awkward silence and then we move to why I’m calling. Mortgage. Credit card. Natalie gives me the phone numbers and transfers me to mortgage since that closes at a certain time but credit cards is 24 hours. Good to know. And they are on Central Time so time’s a wastin’…

I get through to mortgages where a sweet lady pours out her love, blessings, and prayers for me and my family in this time of loss. Sincerely. As if I called the crisis line she expresses how deeply saddened she is to hear about my mothers passing. She takes all the information I have and gives me a new department to call with the official title of Life Events. It isn’t open this late but she is extremely kind and lets me know that Life Events will be privileged to help me and suggests I wait until after the holiday. Her kindness almost steals a tear but I managed to thank her for her support. She transfers me to Credit Card guy. I get disconnected but since they were so smart to tell me all the numbers I’d need I redialed with only a few seconds on hold.

Then Nick in Consumer Credit answers and again I make it through the introduction and again I am consoled and comforted by a young guy who cannot quite imagine a loss like this. Nick is helpful in explaining that I will need to speak with someone in the “Deceased department”. It is actually called that! Of course it’s after hours but he says someone will “reach out” to me most likely after the holiday.

The goal in these calls is to find out what to do about two debts I’m not personally responsible for but are my responsibility to manage for The Estate. I explain that The Estate has no money, the house will be sold to satisfy those debts, and the Residue will be split evenly amongst The Heirs. In the meantime what can they do to help? And what MUST I do to protect The Estate and The Heirs. And myself. The lawyer says loan The Estate the money to keep the payments on time to avoid fees and penalties. Easy for a lawyer to say and exactly what I would prefer to do. Most people I know, however, do not carry around that kind of cash. It can be done and it will be done but if Life Events and Deceased Department can alleviate some of the pain–suspend interest, etc. that will make it much easier on everyone.

So until next week The Estate is not in focus. Thanksgiving is! Sometimes she came to Thanksgiving. She brought a ton of food, complained about my stuffing, wanted to go home right away. The past few years she preferred a TV dinner in her own house. Sometimes with a friend. Sometimes alone. She always wanted what she wanted and there was zero use in trying to change her mind. Cranberry sauce- not whole berries- in SMALL CANS ONLY- and don’t get any if there are no small cans. I say “you know it’s ok to not eat the whole can, right? If I get you a big can you know that you can save or toss the rest. You’re not required to finish it.” But no! SMALL CANS ONLY!

When the holiday is over I will contact what I suspect will be a few more compassionate people who, after I tell them why I’m calling, will bless me and commiserate with me and console me in my loss. The Life Events and the Deceased Department will be my project along with getting utilities transferred into The Estate of Janice J. Brown, Belinda Botzong, Manager.

Thank you for listening. It’s very encouraging to get a like or a comment. Follow this and you’ll be notified when I post if you’re interested. Share with others who might benefit. Or who might lose a tear or two with me. I love my mom. She was cranky and bossy and adored me. Sometimes I was not as patient with her as I’d like to remember being. Sometimes I was hypocritical at the end because I always tell people if there is no joy in your service then you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Don’t sign up for something you are going to complain about. Do everything out of selflessness. Do everything to honor the Lord and he will bless you. It was getting harder to follow that wisdom as she was getting weaker and leaning heavily on me. She would tell me “You can fire yourself you know”. And I would roll my eyes at her and say – that’s not an option. I do everything for you just like you did everything for me. You are my mom and I love you. And now I do everything for The Estate.

©Belindabotzong2018

Moving Forward

I made it two days in a row with no tears. I even told my story twice with no tears. I think that’s moving forward. Five weeks have passed since I sat by her bed at the hospital holding her hand.

Today was a different day. Another day off work to handle the estate, as we are now calling it. Official. Judges orders. I’m the manager– what the heck is my deal with managing everything except those dang tears.

I drove down to meet the amazing team from Irongate Estates. They helped organize an entire garage full of her stuff which includes a minimum of a thousand chicken-themed items. Coasters. Figurines. Magnets. Hats. Figurines. More figurines. Chickens in every size and shape and outfit imaginable. Some not imaginable. Crazy chickens. Anyway, I would say that these are the nicest people in the world. RB, Carol, and Luke. I’m so impressed.

After a couple hours working with them I abandoned them with a promise of pizza as I headed to Mt Vernon to the lawyers office to pick up judges orders.

I got back to Sedro Woolley via the back way my mom and I always preferred – through the Nookachamps- where there were surprisingly only a small flock of snow geese or trumpeters. But still one of my favorite drives. The barns. The farms. The beauty of the Skagit Valley. And that’s when I lost a tear.

I stopped at the bank. I know most people are down on Wells Fargo as a corporation. But the ladies at this branch are so dang sweet. And Good at their jobs. And my mom adored them which I always thought was weird. Anyway.. couldn’t do the account without the official death certificate. Which I thought was in the pile from the lawyer but as part of my educational process I learned that the court keeps the original. And the only other original I have. At home. 35 miles north. Grrr. This wouldn’t be so annoying but guess what? Last week when I took everything to the lawyer to file I didn’t leave her the original will. I had made this double trip already due to all these requirements so today I was a little mad at myself.. and I still had to get pizza for the crew back at the house — so I placed an order online with Dominos and called in fresh rolls for me –and I had to pee so bad my eyes were floating. So I managed to make it across from the bank to pee, stopped to take a few pictures because I am always looking for another creation, then picked up the pizza. I must say here that the guy at Dominos in Sedro is the happiest guy. Last time I was there was to get pizza for my mom on a stressful day and he was so nice and cheerful both times. I told him he needs a raise. Good job!! (See that’s what I like– great customer service). Had to wait for Thai. But it’s worth the wait. It was what I got for my mom the last time I saw her. Fresh rolls with shrimp. While I was waiting one of my uncles friends finished lunch and was walking past me on his phone. I waved and he nodded. Then turned and handed me his phone. I said hello and it was my uncle. Haha. Small world. Small town.

Dropped off food and that lovely crew was flying through their well-rehearsed arranging and pricing …and had moved the biggest furniture without breaking a sweat. Such absolutely great people. I think I might have to change the title to Great Customer Service in times of grief.

Made it back to Bellingham, ate my fresh roll, even shared one with my son, then hit the road south — back to the bank where all went well.

I’m telling you all the details because it’s been so long since I blogged this grief experience. I had considered the past few days not sharing any more of this but for those of you who haven’t gone through it, you will. And maybe it’ll help you. Maybe it helps me.

At the end of the banking visit I had to walk to the post office down the alley behind Main Street and I did a photo shoot of all the amazing brick walls. I had to mail the letter to the lawyer agreeing to follow the rules and do my best to carry out the will of my mom.

Then I got a text from my sister just as I was heading home. Dinner! Yes!! Mexican food. At the last place my mom and I ever went out to eat. And one of my best friends mom came in with a group of ladies. The same group of ladies who were eating there that day with my mom! The Lord is good to let me hug my friends mom who was also my moms friend. Small town. Everybody knows everybody.

I came back home and organized all the estate paperwork into my fancy new binder the lawyer gave me to keep all the paperwork in.

I worked on my latest creations and now I’m going to pass out on my pillow. For some reason I’m a bit weary. But I feel blessed. Everyone I dealt with today was kind and the weather was perfection. I am thankful to be a little closer to moving forward.

©Belindabotzong2018

Recovery

I’m in recovery mode.

Recovering from international travel. While I didn’t suffer from jet lag, there is a return to “normal life” transition that has to take place as the gears get switched. From traveling daily with a large group of people, eating on a different schedule with different ingredients, and long days on a bus, in the heat, and sleeping in hotels … back to work, my own smoothies, and my own pillow!! And now processing all we did and saw and experienced. It seems a bit unreal in light of normal life!

Recovery from the trauma of grief and loss.

This, of course, will be an ongoing process of months and years. At times surreal and other times raw and wretched. Today is my first day of unplanned time since my mom left us on October 16. I have a day to do nothing if I do choose. 90 percent of the Saturday’s for the past several years involved going to see her, running errands for her, going out to lunch with her, picking up groceries for her, going on scenics with her.

This past Thursday I had to go to Sedro-Woolley to sign a paper and get a massage. As I came down Cook Road the snow geese caught my eye and tears poured down. We loved seeing the snow geese in our scenics in the fall.

Normally I would have then gone to get her and do any of the above with her. Or might have taken a nap at her house. But her house is empty and she’s not there wondering what time I said I’d be there. She’s not confused about why someone would pay good money to get a Massage. She’s not anticipating my arrival. She wasn’t holding her hairbrush in her hand when I walked through the door, saying “check my bald spot”. There was no envelope laying on the coffee table with my name written in felt tip marker with a heart over the i, filled with her bills, newspaper clippings, obituaries or sales gimmicks.

There was just an echo as I said “mommy mommy mommy why”. And I turned and left with my shattered heart.

And today I will do the mundane things that need to be done when one is recovering from travel and death. I will read the letter from the lawyer and gather the proper documents. I will pay bills and sort through papers. I will go to Whole Foods and buy almond butter. I may walk with my son at the harbor. I will work on my art as I am the featured artist this week if all weeks. I will prepare my demonstration of Petals as Paints for next Saturday when I also have no date with my mom.

Recovering daughter.

©Belindabotzong2018

Day 6- Israel 2018

It’s morning on the Sea of Galilee

We kept the door open all night to have that gentle breeze wafting over our room. It’s warm and there are so many birds singing it sounds like a symphony with the ripples on the lake playing in the background.

I woke up suddenly at 2:30am from a dream I don’t remember but the reality of my mom being gone from this earth shook my soul. Though I know she is in the presence of the savior, who spent his life in the surrounding hills and water, I can’t fathom that I cannot tell her about this trip we are on.

I sat out on the balcony under that bright shiny moon and twinkling stars looking down in this famous body of water, trying to imagine Jesus going from this very spot. He preached, selected his disciples and lived his earthly life right here. Right where I am. It’s powerful.

I read half the book of Matthew while I was feeling restless. Seeing those ancient writings with this perspective is powerful.

Today we are heading to the Dead Sea. We are booked for Massage services later in the day. Some in our group are going to be baptized in the River Jordan today. That will be powerful stuff too! And of course I plan to float in the Dead Sea and experience the refreshing minerals.

Tomorrow we leave for Jerusalem. We found a shofar in Caperneum but decided to wait for Jerusalem to buy one!

©Belindabotzong2018

Day 4 – Israel 2018

Sunny and high 70s

After a huge buffet breakfast we took the bus along the Mediterranean coastline north to Caesaria – considered the center of early Christianity. From there we went to Mt Carmel where Elijah challenged the false prophets. We had lunch nearby –falafel pita, which we ate outside on picnic tables.

From Mt Carmel we could see the Megiddo Valley where Armageddon will take place. We walked through old ruins that date back 30 generations. Beautiful sandstone and pillars.

Above/ Caesaria

Above-/ ruins on Mt Carmel

There were black millipedes up in the ruins that creeped me out. Otherwise we haven’t seen any wildlife except dozens of stray cats wherever we stop. And as my traveling partner is a crazy cat lady, Savannah makes a new friend wherever we stop.

From Mt Carmel we drove to Nazareth! Seems so surreal that we could do that. I imagined it to be quite rural but actually it’s built up on a hill in a mostly Arab area.

We went up to the large church which is built over the home of Mary, mother of Jesus. The home where she was when Gabriel came to tell her if God’s plan for a savior.

Inside that church we could get up close to her home and it was quite touching to feel that presence there.

The church and surrounding courtyards are filled with paintings or art depicting Mary. Each work is donated by a different country. It is a Franciscan Catholic Church. I saw the Mary from Italy, Brazil, USA and many other countries. Beautiful art in oils and stained glass and mosaics.

This was the first place we had to pay to use the bathroom. Two sheckles and NO toilet paper!

From there we walked back to our bus. I must say a word about our bus driver here. It seems he’s a magician as he maneuvers that huge bus up and down mountains, through narrow streets designed for a Donkey cart, and around roundabouts without blinking. He surely has some power that makes the bus stretch thin as people zip in and out and all around him!

Our final stop was to be the church at Cana where Jesus turned water into wine at a wedding feast. We were dropped off and started walking down the alleyway of cobbled stones and were met by another group who said we missed the site– the church closed already. We were just going to read the story from the Bible when one of the ladies in our group stumbled. An ambulance had to be called and the police had to come get a report from our guide.

Finally we headed toward Tiberius to the Sea of Galilee and checked into the Leonardo Hotel. Its after sundown so we can’t see the lake yet but our balcony on the 9th floor overlooks the lake and the pool. Tomorrow we get to go sailing out there!

We just had a delicious buffet dinner/- oh my goodness so much food available. I can’t eat a lot of it but what I can eat is delicious.

Our tour guide has been awesome. He’s Jewish and about 40 years old. He’s extremely knowledgeable about scripture and history. He makes sure we read accounts in the old and new testaments to authenticate our experience.

I have to keep reminding myself we are really here, to pay attention and commit it to memory…and that I can’t tell my mom all about it when we get home.

©Belindabotzong2018

Day 3 — Israel 2018

We slept so good last night! No jet lag. No fuzzy brain!

Went to an amazing breakfast buffet in our hotel. Piles and piles of food. Beautiful healthy food.

Then we started walking. We walked a lot. It’s our only free day til the ending. We walked through Tel Aviv to the mall then stopped for smoothies st a juice bar. Savannah had a green drink and I had the most delicious açaí bowl ever made!

We continued along to find the outdoor market. It was absolutely awesome! Like Pike Place only way more stuff. Fruits and veggies galore. Passion fruit. Dragon fruit. Figs. Nuts. Pastries. Candies. Spices. Olives. Big blocks of tahini with any number of flavors. Pomegranates as big as a child’s head. Shofars! Yes indeed I can buy one here! I’ll Wait to get to Jerusalem though.

People. Lots. People speaking Hebrew, English, German. People are very young here.

We walked along the promenade back toward the hotel and watched people from a bench. There is exercise equipment along the beach. People in Tel Aviv are very beautiful and very fit. So many runners and bikers. Motor scooters and motorized skate boards.

I bout a pita from the outdoor market and we headed back to our room

We changed into beach clothes and picked up towels at the pool and a chair and headed to that beautiful sand. The water was warm as I dipped my toes into the Mediterranean once again!

Savannah went off in search of falafel and I stopped in the gift shop and bought a bracelet of crystal with Hebrew blessing that says Listen, Israel! There were lnany choices. The eye. The Hebrew letter. The hand. All symbols of blessing for Israel.

When we returned to our room I took a long nap. Ah so refreshing!

We went to the buffet for dinner and feasted on all kinds of roast vegetables, salads, beef, chicken, and olives. And of course there were desserts galore.

After dinner there was a group meeting for all who are going on the tour. Our guide is Yonthen –

Very knowledgeable and kind. We took a bus up to Jaffa – there is a mosque, Catholic Church, and the Jaffa gate. Jaffa is where Jonah and the whale took place. And were the apostle Peter stayed with Simon the tanner in Acts.

And now for a good six hours of sleep before we hit the road for our next stop– Cana where Jesus did his first miracle and Megiddo where he will do his last miracle.

©Belindabotzong2018